Good morning! We come to you this morning not as alarmists, but as realists. Many of you are well aware that Shark Week on the Discovery Channel (DC) starts this Sunday. For the past 29 years, The DC has taken the last week in July to fill their programming lineup with sharks. Interestingly, there is always an uptick in shark attacks during these 8 days. It has nothing to do with the fact that more people are at the beach that week than the others. It has everything to do with the fact that the sharks are PISSED. Sharks aren’t stupid! They are fully aware they are being held up for profit – ad space is crazy expensive this week. You know what bothers me the most? The first thing, the VERY first thing they teach you in Marine Biology school – Don’t EVER try and capitalize on sharks – they always win in the end.  But, But, noooo Discovery Channel says game on Sharkie. They want their boy Michael Phelps to race a Great White. They even hve their boy Michael Phelps racing a Great White.

Well, Walk with a Doc is not going to stand around while Discovery pokes the bear. For the next 8 days, we will be proceeding as follows. Before we get started I want to make one thing perfectly clear. With 17,000+ readers I guarantee some of you are thinking that I’m being overcautious. I have three answers to that. First, it’s Rachael’s job to do the strategic planning, finances, HR, marketing, PR, risk assessment, research and development, insurance coverage and keep team morale high. As CEO my only job is to be cautious. So please, let me handle this. I forget the other two answers.

The following are effective immediately through the end of July 2017:

Rule #1:  No bright colors – this reminds sharks of fish scales and they we will be on you like white on rice.

Rule #2:  No surfboards. So help me God if I see anybody even with a surfboard on their keychain, you will be asked to leave. Sharks to surfboards = peanut butter to jelly.

Rule #3: We politely ask anyone who has had even a small cut within in the last 2 weeks not too attend this Saturday. Sharks can smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away and many of our walks occur within 3 miles of the coastline.

Rule #4: All walk leaders will be asked to wear chainmail suits this weekend and next. We ask this of our doctors as they will the ones expected to fight off the sharks. To be safe, all of our doctors within 100 miles of the shore, Great Lake, a river with a depth more than 3 feet or a flood zone will be asked to wear the suit.Turns out this is everyone. You can order them rush delivery here. I don’t want to hear any complaining, you’re a doctor you can afford it.

I don’t want to hear any complaining, you’re a doctor, you can afford it.

Rule  #5: No shiny jewelry – unless granted permission by the walk leader. See #1

Rule #6: Think like a shark. If when you are hiking in the woods (good for you!) or in the mall and you see lots of seals or fish, chances are sharks are around. Stay away!
Rule #7: Avoid looking like a seal (sharks love seals)

Rule #8: This is another great reminder to walk in groups of two or more this week and next. If tomorrow a shark were to attack one of you (unlikely) the other person should hit them in the nose (the shark, your friend is already being attacked). Then both of you should run like he**. Please take this rule in the seriousness it was intended. I don’t want to have to share what happened at WWAD – Omaha 2013.

Rule #9: Sharks are creatures of habit. Historically, if a shark attack has occurred on one of the trails in your park or mall, please take a different path. They often return to the scene of the crime.

Rule #10: Do you have an uneven tan? We ask you to either spend some more time in the sun, being sensitive to the amount of time or take Saturday off. Sharks will see this color contrast a mile away and they will think you are a tropical fish. If that happens? Your day just got real my friend.