Good morning!Honeycrisp U-Pick Day is a revered day that carries significant importance in our house. A day where we focus on the health benefits of the apple along with gratitude for the University of Minnesota pioneers in 1960 that developed this wondrous offering we know as the Honeycrisp.
It’s now Tuesday, September 15th, 2020 at Lynd Fruit Farm .Honeycrisp U-Pick Day I unfailingly have to request off of work every year and I’m happy to do it.While most, if not all other, apple varieties take weeks, often months to clear out – the Honeycrisp’s are gone as quick as two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Ohioans go berzerk for Honeycrisps.This year was no different.And I knew it. I knew it would be this way.6 months deep into COVID and with the loss of Buckeye Football (it would reverse the following day), I knew my fellow Ohioans could bring it big on the 15th.Bring it big they did, but I was prepared. Or so I thought.Quick backstory: While it had been understood in our previous hospital, my new, incredible health system was unaware of my passion for HCs’. I had fought for months to get September 15th off to no avail.I had conceded back in mid-May that I would be getting off call at 9:00a on 9/15/20 and by then the line would certainly be insurmountable.My wife, Kristin, refuses to help/take part. Says I’m “over the top”.There’s a history to that.Anyway, one day in late June 2020 while walking on a blistering hot day, I ‘caught a butterfly’.YES! There absolutely WAS a way for me to take call AND secure my annual HC ration.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are now speaking with a Beta-Release Test Pilot of the Jet Suit.Isn’t it amazing?
It’s now Tuesday at 9:12 a.m. and I park my ’83 Datsun in a quiet 17-acre soybean field a mile south of the orchard. There are no paved roads leading to Lynd’s from here so I can jet discretely over the soybean and cornfields. This is possibly my best idea – ever.
It was truly incredible. I felt just like Superman soaring over the crop fields.
2 minutes later, I soar over the hundreds of cars in line, landing perfectly within the orchard. People immediately started towards me.It’s like they’d never seen a flying man before.I have no time for this, I had to act fast.Despite being open for only an hour and a half, the trees were already easily 90% picked over.
I scramble in this bulky, hot suit to get to the trees on the orchard’s western edge.I know from experience that they mark the Honeycrisp rows with orange flags.Shortly, people who had been in the picked over rows, and people curious about my entrance are making there way over to the few remaining trees.MY TREES!Fortunately for me, a few were more concerned with taking their time for posed Instagram shots, their TikToks, or just enjoying being with their families on a beautiful day.Suckers!While they’re positioning themselves on the John Deere for the perfect angle, I’m running around tree to tree in my batsuit grabbing the few remaining biggest, juiciest apples.One massive apple in my mouth saves precious room in the plastic bag.OMG, they’re incredible!Thank You, G-d! I was having some trouble breathing with all the excitement and my oral airway being blocked.
I’m sorry, but others were being so careless, it was easy to take advantage.That little boy over there just dropped a huge, ripe Honeycrisp on the ground – finders keepers, Jimmy!Then a pregnant woman was having trouble waddling fast enough to get to the last few trees – maybe next year for you, Missy! Finally, a 10-year-old girl was unable to reach four freakishly big ones on a high branch – hah! Next time bring some height, Chloe! Law of the jungle.
Okay, I think that’s all I can fit – success!As I myself waddle over to the cashier, my two white super large plastic bags are packed so fully, I’m constantly dropping and picking up apples as I go. It is quickly settling in that my behavior is stealing the narrative from the fact that I flew in.I don’t need narratives. I need to get the he** out of here! With no Honeycrisp remaining in the orchard, the now hostile crowd is coming towards me.”That man stole my apples!””That batpig with the apple in his mouth, that’s him!”Several dads are dragging their crying children towards me.Scan my card.SCAN MY CARD!Deep breath, David. You’ve got 120 fruit miracles tightly crammed into these 2 plastic bags and you’re moments away from lift-off. They’re getting closer.The farm checkout woman looks like she’s going to call security but hesitates and instead reluctantly hands me back my Visa.I slam the card in my pocket, gather my treasure and dart away from the growing throng. Ha!SUCKERS! Full ignition! GO!!! GO!!! GO!!!
It must have been the sheer inertial force of the launch that violently ripped holes through both bags. Every single, hard-fought, Honeycrisp was falling onto the lush, green grass still moist from the morning dew.I can only guess that the imbalance created by the weight shift in losing 70+ pounds of apples hurled me upwards in an extremely high-velocity, mid-air spin.Eyewitnesses would later share with security that I had been somersaulting, splayed out in the Figure X position.That’s exactly what it felt like. At this point, I’ve got one eye on the rapidly approaching Corn Maze tower and one eye on my grounded apples getting further and further away.I see the crying children, including that little boy, running around grabbing my apples to put in their bags.That was the last thing I remember before slamming upside down and face flat into Lynd’s 40-foot solid wooden fort tower.“Just a second, nurse. I’m finishing our newsletter”Thank G-d for helmets, but have you ever been flung into a tower at 35-40+ mph and then fallen 30 feet into a cornfield?And if you ever thought corn stalks wouldn’t be soft to land on from 30 feet? You were exactly right.