| Good morning! Everybody already had their shot(s)? Good. There’s no need to be sick with COVID.(Change of subject)We come to you this morning not as alarmists, but as realists. Many of you are well aware that Shark Week aired on the Discovery Channel (DC) a couple of weeks back. For the past 33 years, The DC has taken the second week of July to terrify the public as they fill their programming lineup with sharks.Interestingly, there is always an uptick in shark attacks during these 8 days. It has nothing to do with the fact that more people are at the beach that week than the others. It has everything to do with the fact that the sharks are PI**ED.Who are we kidding? Sharks aren’t stupid. They are fully aware they are being exploited for profit – ad space is crazy expensive during Shark Week.Do you know what bothers me the most?The first thing, the VERY first thing, they teach you in Marine Biology school – Don’t EVER try and capitalize on sharks – they always win in the end. But,But, no, Discovery Channel says game on Sharkie.They’ve even had all-time great Michael Phelps racing a Great White.Well, Walk with a Doc is not going to stand around after Discovery ‘poked the bear. For the next 8 days, we will be proceeding as follows.Before we get started I want to make one thing perfectly clear. With 24K + readers I guarantee some of you are thinking that I’m being overcautious.I have three answers to that.First, Rachael’s job is to do handle operations, strategic planning, finances, human resources, marketing, PR, research and development, outreach, insurance coverage, maintain the gardens and keep team morale high.As CEO, my job is to be on the lookout for sharks. So please, let me handle this.I forget the other two answers.The following are effective immediately at in-person and virtual WWAD events through Sat, August 7th, 2021.Rule #1: No bright colors – this reminds sharks of fish scales and they will be on you like white on rice.Rule #2: No surfboards. So help me G-d, if I see anybody even with a surfboard on their keychain, you will be asked to leave. Sharks to surfboards = peanut butter to jelly. Rule #3: We politely ask anyone who has had even a small cut within the last 2 weeks not to attend through the 7th. Sharks can smell half a drop of blood from 3 miles away and many of our walks occur within 3 miles of the coastline. Rule #4: All walk leaders will be asked to wear chainmail suits through August 7. We ask this of our doctors as they will be the ones expected to fight off the sharks. To be safe, all of our doctors within 100 miles of the shore, Great Lake, a river with a depth more than 3 feet, or a flood zone will be asked to wear the suit.It turns out this is everyone. Please order them rush delivery here.I don’t want to hear any complaining, you’re a doctor, you can afford it.Rule #5: No shiny jewelry – unless granted permission by the walk leader. See #1 Rule #6: Think like a shark. If when you are hiking in the woods (good for you!) or in the mall and you see lots of seals or fish, chances are sharks are around. Stay away!Rule #7: Avoid looking like a seal. Anyone showing up looking like this guy will be turned away.Rule #8: This is another great reminder to walk in groups over the next three weeks. If at tomorrow’s walk a shark were to attack one of you (unlikely) the other person should hit them in the nose (the shark, not your friend. They are already under assault). Then both of you should run as fast as you can. Not in zigzags, that’s a myth, sharks don’t care about that. Please take this rule in the seriousness it was intended.Rule #9: Sharks are creatures of habit. Historically, if a shark attack has occurred on one of the trails in your park or mall, please take a different path. They often return to the scene of the crime.Rule #10: Do you have an uneven tan? We ask you to either spend some more time in the sun, being sensitive to the amount of time, or take Saturday off. Sharks will see this color contrast a mile away and they will think you are a tropical fish. If that happens? Well, let’s just say your day is about to get real my friend. |
