Good morning! Let’s get right to it.

Last Tuesday started like any other. I’d taken our two poodles, Phoebe (8) and Henry (2), for a dark and foggy, early morning walk and was settling down with a steaming cup of roasted coffee in our son Charlie’s room. With Charlie at school in D.C., it is primarily vacant and my preferred place in our place to ‘create’ before seeing patients. I love it mostly for its life-sized whiteboard.
My Tuesday’s pre-work agenda ‘prompt’ was ‘How do we increase uptake of the latest COVID Vaccine’? I figured I’d pick something non-controversial.

Why did you tell us the age of your dogs?

The reasoning behind my personal Tuesday morning exercise was provoked by this Monday’s report projecting that only 24% of Americans (82 million people) are going to get the vaccine.

In the last three weeks, I’ve watched 13 healthy friends get COVID-19, all felt horrible, and several were sick to the point where they texted/called to see if they should take Paxlovid.
(fyi, Paxlovid is used to treat mild-to-moderate COVID‑19 in adults at high risk for progression to severe COVID‑19, including hospitalization or death.)
Anyway, the United States population is roughly 340 million – 82M = 258 million people. 258 million Americans, all with access to the vaccine, are projected to decline the shot and be fully exposed to COVID-19.

<camera pans back upstairs to Charlie’s room>
Okay, David think! think!. Staring over my right shoulder, out his east-facing window, there’s still no remote sign of sunrise. Good, I still have time before work.

David, think (!) how can we sell this? What do Americans love more than anything?

Dolly Parton. Yes.
Breadsticks. Yes.
T-shirt cannons. Yes.
Chick-Fil-A. Yes, of course (not me, plant-based)
How does this help, David?
Da**it David, THINK!!
NFL.
Paying 5.75 for coffee. Yes.
The Bachelor. Yes, yes, yes. But…
David, C’MON! You’re better than this!

Oh, wait just a second…wait just a second!

Oh, no sir?!?!
YES, YES, YES!!!

I leap up from Char’s worn-down black office chair and grab a turquoise dry-erase marker.
I twist off the tight cap and all at once it’s 35 minutes later and the morning sky is softening behind me. I launch past the wall of turquoise and come screaming down the steps. Both dogs barking at my heels.
“Honey! Honey! I GOT IT!”
Despite being well within her peripheral vision, I get nothing.
Her Airpods are in and she’s likely finishing the mystery novel that kept our attention all the way to the Finger Lakes and back.

Well, I’m sorry but I do not have time to deal with ‘It’s Krissy-Time’ right now.
I pivot and dash back upstairs, grabbing my laptop.

This is too perfect, someone had to have thought of this by now.
My MacBook Pro awakens.
Come on, Google… No Whammys! No WHAMMYS!!
20-some minutes later, I am shocked and thrilled to not find hide nor hare of my idea online.
Jackpot, baby! Let the games begin!
Rachael’s probably just finished her 8-mile run. A text at this hour won’t hurt anybody.
‘RH – good am. Please schedule a Press Conference for noon Thursday.’
Rachael works her usual magic which leads to yesterday, where I found myself alone, front and center behind a 21-foot-long weathered oak table at WWAD World HQ. Immediately to my rear stands a 4-foot easel, in front of me sits over a dozen fancy 1970s foam microphones of all sizes and colors – just like on TV.

“I’d like to thank you all for coming on such short notice. I’m going to make a brief statement before we open it up for questions.
“Prior to the discovery I will share momentarily, it was projected that 76% of Americans would decline the COVID-19 vaccine. That’s over 250 million people who will reject what I have been and will be recommending, to all of my patients. Ladies and gentlemen, with this announcement that will all change.”
I stand up and all the cameramen and women ready themselves.
Fully aware of the historical significance of what’s about to occur, I dramatically yank our flannel bedsheet off the easel. Turns out, it was a fitted sheet that caught the top of the easel stand. That’s on me. In doing so, I violently smack the easel into the wooden table. It’s pieces, the posterboard, and the wingnuts fly off in every possible direction – mostly into the audience, where most are ducking and covering their heads.

Once they realize they’re safe from debris, snickers, laughter, and inappropriate comments abound.

You know what? Fine.
I bend down and pick up the sign and thrust it over my head staring out over the heads of the reporters. Just like Norma Rae, only mine doesn’t say UNION, it says:

Pumpkin Spice COVID-19 Vaccine ®

Every single eye is on that board. Akin to Jim Nantz after a jaw-dropping, Masters-winning, Sunday putt, I remain silent and allow the moment to take over the room.
Between you and me, I’m not sure I’ve ever been prouder.
‘Don’t smile, David. Act as if you’ve been here,’ I tell myself.

“I’ll take your questions now,” are the first words out of my mouth.

I point over to my right, third row. “Yes, Bob”
“Robert Flanagan, Des Moines Register. What the he** is going on right now?”
“Next”

This seems to empower the group and more hands are going up now. The din within our WWAD World Conference Center is escalating.

“Yes, Sharon – good to see you again.”
“Sharon Dunn, Rutger’s Daily Targum. Are you worried that some people may feel they are being vaccinated against the flavor of Pumpkin Spice instead of COVID-19?”
She may have something there, best not to answer that one.

“Yes, 4th row.”
“Randy Millworks, Sidney Daily News, Sidney, Ohio. How do you ‘flavor’ an injectable vaccine?”
“That one’s easy. Nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger.”
Randy has a follow-up,
“I know the flavors of Pumpkin Spice, thank you. What I don’t understand is how you would taste it?”
“Next”

At this point, the reporters feel they have me on the ropes and all protocol is out the window. Chaos ensues and I’m getting peppered.

“Is this FDA approved?”

“Why are you dressed as the Headless Horseman?”

“Has it been tested in humans?”

“What’s that smell? Are you wearing Pumpkin Spice cologne?”

“Is this flavor vaccine only available for a limited time?”

“Can you get Pumpkin Spice if all your others have been Moderna?”

“STOP!STOP!STOP!”

My sign is down and both my arms are as high as I can get them.
“Thank you.”
“You guys have to understand something (pause for effect as you scan the room).”

All the journalists look mad, no, actually quite angry.

“As healthcare providers, we need to meet the people where they are. That probably would have carried more weight not wearing the pumpkin head. “Maybe they’re in Pumpkin Spice Land, maybe they’re not.
Maybe I’m just some crazy kid from Ohio trying to make a difference in this world by offering the world’s first flavored injectable vaccine.
But I can tell you this for certain, vaccines are science. Science works. Vaccines work. My personal recommendation to all my family members, friends, patients, and anyone else is – please get your vaccine.”

I go to drop the mike, but I’m not holding one, they’re all on the table, so I just exit stage right.

david

Disclaimer: None of this happened. Everything is made up, except two things:
1. I watched 13 friends get really sick with COVID – in the last 3 weeks.
2. I will continue to recommend the vaccine to all my family members, friends, patients, and anyone who asks.
Be a hero, get the shot.