Time: Last Friday, August 9th, 2024, 6:45 a.m
Location: Utility Closet, 3rd-floor WWAD World Headquarters, Columbus, OH
“Bryan! Bryan! Let me out!!”
I continue to pound on the door. The meaty part of my hands next to my pinkies (hypothenar eminences for all the med students in the room) are red, raw, and sore as all get out. My right hand may be bleeding.
I don’t know because I can’t see an inch in front of my face. It’s pitch black in here.
What the heck! I’ve been stuck in here for at least two hours!
It’s super hot and so cramped up. Each time I try to shift/adjust I have some heavy cardboard box of Brawny paper towel rolls jamming into my ribs. Cardboard shouldn’t hurt this bad. This utility closet reeks of bleach and rubber gloves.
My eyes are starting to water. This cannot be good for me.
I’m feeling smothered and nauseated.
I pound, I pound, and I pound on the door.
All right, I have no other options, I’m just going to have to break this thing down. But I can’t get even one foot of a running start…UGH!
I press my weight into this heavy oak door, but nothing.
I grab a broom handle, slam all my weight into the door, and scream at the top of my lungs “BRYAN!!!!…”
The door suddenly gives way, kind of like a trap door. Actually, very similar to a trap door. I fall 6 feet straight down landing face first with the broom handle breaking off and jamming into my pelvis. The fall is so hard that I bounce up about 10-12 inches right before I land on my face again, this time on the other side.
“Oh my gosh, David. Did I accidentally lock that?” Bryan says.
I must’ve blacked out for a brief period as I don’t remember getting to my feet. But the next thing I remember, I’m standing and holding my right jaw, which I’m 70/30 convinced is broken in more than one spot.
The pain.
It takes me another second to realize what he said.
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?
“Accidentally locked it?!
ACCIDENTALLY locked it?!?!?”
“Please let me remind you of what I think transpired, Bryan.
“It’s 4:45 am and I’m up in the stacks of WWAD World HQ Library putting the finishing touches on our weekly Friday newsletter. You came up to my cubby and begged me to come to our supply area. You shared that you needed me to grab you a box of surgical masks from the top shelf which I was a little suspicious about to begin with, because we are the same height!!
“We head up and then, next thing I know, I’m shoved into these brooms, mops, Swifters, and chemicals then the door slams behind me.”
“Bryan, why do we have so many Swifters?!”
Now, as I look at my watch, it’s 6:47 a.m. (again, this was last Friday).
“OMG! I have to get the weekly newsletter out. It’s late!” We’ve never been late!
Bryan grins, “David, no worries. I sent one out. It’s called Our Favorite Olympian.“
“You did wwhhat?! You did WWWHHHHAT??!!” now everything made sense.
“You locked me in this closet to hijack the newsletter, didn’t you, Bryan? Bryan ROMEY!”
“Oh, David. I think all that Pine-Sol made you paranoid. I would never, ever do that”
Bryan turns and looks Stage Left, directly into Camera 2, smiles, and winks.
“Bryan!” I start to break down.
“This hurts. I had so many things I wanted to share today! (last week)”
Like this article on a whole new reason to get outdoors.
Or, whether or not you should drink a Sleepy Girl Mocktail?
I was also going to share to keep your antennae up about the new Covid variant (updated) and the newer study that masks do help.
I was going to say that there’s nothing as powerful for our health and well-being as going for a walk outside, all the more so with a friend or your dog.
“You say that every week,” Bryan says.
“Yeah, that’s fair,” I say.
“Well, I also wanted to ask why Mitchell Tenpenny’s music isn’t more well-known? I love his voice!”
Bryan squints and kind of shakes his head. Not a big shake, just a ‘what’s-going-on-right-now shake’.
“Anyway, why don’t you just put all that in next week’s newsletter?” Bryan adds.
“Don’t you understand? It’s too late for that! It’ll never happen. Never! (cue Don Music).” I collapse onto the floor (for the third time in as many minutes).
In the breaks of my sobbing spasms, off in the distance I hear Bryan on the phone, I’m guessing he’s talking to Rachael.
“…yeah, yeah…I have no idea. I just wanted to give you a ‘heads-up’, I think you have a call with him at noon”
Okay, now we’re live. Friday, August 16th.
I’ve just taken off my costume and I’m back in my street clothes as we’ve come to the final portion of today’s newsletter.
For those who read Bryan’s great work last week and cannot wait to share their opinion with Bryan, Rachael, and me I wanted to make it super easy for you.
All you have to do is cut and paste your favorite response from the selection below and email contact@walkwithadoc.org.
And yes, of course, feel free to pick more than one.
a) David, welcome back. I liked Bryan’s newsletter better.
b) When do we get to hear from “Wa” Lee King again? He was so funny!
c) Actually, I thought today’s wasn’t that bad. I bet Bryan wrote it.
d) Bryan, can you hear me? I read today’s, but I’m still laughing about last week. Please let me know the next time you’re going to write Bryan!
Happy Friday!!!
David
Disclaimer: No Bryans were yelled at and no Davids were injured in the process of writing this (entirely made up) newsletter. And I do like Mitchell Tenpenny – there I said it.
