Walk with a Doc Newsletter
Good morning! Over the years, we at WWAD haven’t spend a lot of time discussing our Research and Development (R&D) division, this morning they’re front and center.
We’re stoked as they just presented us with the very first prototype of a combination toilet/treadmill. We immediately began a short trial. In this non-NIH funded Phase I pilot study, we had conclusive findings. Our results showed that, yes, people were moving their feet while on the potty. Unfortunately, study subjects found it harder than usual to text. In addition, the calorie burn was minimal (we never could get around the ‘sitting’ part). We dumped the pilot 3.5 weeks in.
R&D, now with their proverbial back against the wall, stepped up. They came forward with a 2nd prototype that to this moment still gives me goosebumps. A concept reminding us that, yes, once in a generation something comes along so revolutionary that you can’t fathom how you ever lived without it.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I’m honored to present to you the future of healthcare:
The Uri-Mill.
While we were unable to capture all the #1’s and #2’s, taking care of number #1 wasn’t a bad start. Sorry, ladies.
Doing the math, we waste exactly 36.2 hours every year.
36 hours doing nothing but looking at the ceiling at whistling.
10.5 days/year.
You’re welcome.
Armed with these life-changing metrics, we charged in guns blazing and the Uri-Mill was born.
We must confess that since IRB approval we have been experiencing a challenging start. The very 1st Uri-Mill was built with enough horsepower (2.0 HP) to give it a maximum velocity of 2.5 mph. The investigators of our new Phase I trial quickly noticed a bell curve with a sharp increase in ‘misfires’ beginning at 0.9 mph.
This led to the construction of the 2nd Uri-Mill prototype. Our engineers governed #2 to not allow a maximum velocity above 0.8 mph.
Now we were on our way and ready for Phase II.
We just needed a site.
We chose Yellow Springs, OH for our Phase II test location for three reasons:
(1) It is within an hour of our World HQ (
Columbus)
(2) It allowed our primary investigators (PI’s) to pick a setting where we could safely perform a double-blinded retrospective regression analysis and easily insert our findings into the Briggsian logarithm.
(3) Our WWAD Real Estate team has a sense of humor (Yellow Springs, get it?).
We ended up selecting YS’s fanciest restaurant, The Whispering Oak. Their restroom met the study’s criteria as it is equipped with 3 well-spaced standard urinals. We installed the Uri-Mill in the middle of the 3 urinals on April 3rd, 2019. Included on the Uri-Mill’s dashboard was a 21-inch video screen.
Exactly like the Peloton bike, only a combination urinal/treadmill.
Over the course of the trial, our PI’s were not surprised to see that 93% of Whispering Oak’s bathroom attendees chose the Uri-Mill (TV screen) when given the option. For those unaware, Yellow Springs, OH is the home of Antioch College, a liberal arts school very much centered around statistically oriented health outcomes. Much to the chagrin of our 31 male participants, we would find out it is also the home of 5 sharp female engineers extremely upset that our study was including only one gender.
Word spreads pretty fast in a small town. Especially with something as revolutionary as the Uri-Mill and that’s exactly what happened. Yellow Spring’s inhabitants speculated many lives would be saved and the majority of the community was very supportive, however, what transpired is unfathomable. It is now public knowledge that from the time period of April 8th-April 17th, 2019 the Uri-Mill at The Whispering Oak was sabotaged.
What follows may be difficult for some of you to read.
As mentioned, the Uri-Mill was manufactured to not exceed 0.8 mph. The perpetrators, however, rewired our Uri-Mill.
They covertly redesigned our invention to act perfectly normal (0.8 mph) for the 1st 20 seconds after the belt started. These sick minds wanted to allow study participants/victims to do everything they needed to position themselves to be mid-stream (please forgive the graphic description). Then, these heartless bastards replaced the engine, and rewired the Uri-Mill to rapidly escalate to 9.5 mph within a span of 3 seconds.
For those not familiar with running or treadmills, that is ridiculously fast (6:21 mile).
It is a speed that requires holding onto both rails; something we did not equip Uri-mill 2.0 with.
The downstream sequelae of this premeditated attack were absolutely devastating.
7 sprained ankles, 2 broken elbows (in same test subject), $928 in dry cleaning bills, and $1240 to repaint the ceiling.
Don’t get me wrong, the 31 surveillance videos from the ‘Oak’ were all difficult to watch. There were 11 episodes, however, when all 3 urinals were occupied at the same time, and these videos were specifically horrifying.
Horrifying because we knew what was coming.
Being an upscale restaurant, the users of traditional Urinals #1 and #3 were nicely dressed, most in tailored suits and a very, very angry man on #3 was even in a white tux.
One cannot describe in words their surprise, their shock, and quite honestly, their unbridled anger as the person in between them would start to lose control.
Unfortunately, in 10 of the 11 episodes, the Uri-Mill subject managed to fire on both suit jackets and pants of Urinal #1 and #3 users all the while being flung into the back wall.
It gets worse.
In 3 of these 10 instances, there was such shock as to what was occurring in the middle urinal (the Uri-Mill) that Urinal 1 and 3’s stationary participants had turned, midstream, with their backs to their respective urinals to see what was going on.
This led to a sick and deranged live reenactment of the Trevi Fountain (in Rome).
Again, with the ‘Oak’ being the nicest establishment in Yellow Springs, it’s the place where you bring important dates or your parents when they’re in town. These unsuspecting restaurant guests likely did not see this coming when they made their reservations.
Despite this repugnant monstrosity, let me tell you what I love about Walk with a Doc.
Even with all the travesties, all the disgust that occurred at The Whispering Oak in April, our WWAD investigators remain absolutely un-phased. They see the bigger picture and remain steadfastly determined to better the lives of not only the 150 million men in the US but the 3.5 billion+ abroad.
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