|Good morning!The meeting had taken months to arrange.Anytime someone famous is in town for only a few weeks, especially when it’s been 17 years, it’s going to be tough to get on their schedule.Walk with a Doc started a year after the cicadas were last here (2004).Make no mistake, we’re honored to be included in the Cicada King’s itinerary as he and his billions of followers struggle to catch up on what they’ve missed. Think of what else has transpired since Brood X made its most recent appearance. Facebook, Instagram, Guy Fieri, BTS, Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich, and many others. I hope to G-d he doesn’t ask me about what happened to Lindsay Lohan (NSFW). My understanding is his ancestors were big, I mean massive, fans.One additional wrinkle to this summit. They’re brand new to smartphones – and as you can imagine the learning curve can be steep with no hands.I wanted to meet with the Cicada King outdoors, where I felt he’d be most comfortable.As he walks out of the woods and into the pavilion, he reminds me of the Mouse King from my daughter’s Nutcracker performances. Fortunately he does not travel with a sword, but his top hat and tails make me feel super underdressed. I see why they made him the King, he’s huge.He does travel in a pack, and, well I don’t want to talk out of school but his posse was obscenely loud.I hated to say anything that could be perceived as offensive at the start of the meeting, but I could barely hear him.|
Me: Cicada King, any chance you might be able to get them to talk softer for 5 minutesC.K.: Ummm, how about nice to meet you, Cicada King? His speech is heavily sardonic and voice is deep and somehow, electronically modulated.Me: <deep breath> I’m sorry, sir. You are absolutely correct. You have to excuse me, we’re just starting to get beyond the pandemic, and now you guys show up.C.K.: We came to shut down your newsletter.Me: Seriously?C.K.: No. Dude can’t you take a joke? We’re not some biblical plague! That was grasshoppers. We don’t ‘swarm’ or ‘invade’. We call it ‘ecdysis’.Me: <cough, MARKETING!!!, cough>C.K.: Excuse me?Me: Something caught in my throat. Walk with a Doc takes place in outdoor settings for obvious reasons. We’re going to be sharing space for a month or so, so I thought we should get together. Sign an MOU or something. C.K.: <Nothing>Not sure that he’s heard of an MOU. I don’t want to embarrass him so I change the subject.Me: A lot of our members appreciate our flowers. They’re concerned you are going to be eating the annuals/perennials?C.K.: We don’t chew, we actually drink and it doesn’t take much to quench our thirst. Besides, we have little interest in your plants.Me: Do you have interest in me?C.K.: You are blunt, aren’t you?No, we don’t bite or sting. We’re not poisonous either. But, there are a lot of us.Me: How well can you see? How many fingers am I holding up (it’s two)?C.K.: We have 5 eyes. Does that answer your question?Me: What purpose do you guys serve?C.K.: He appears ready for this one. Good question. Our females bite into the tree branches to deposit their eggs which could be considered pruning that facilitates further growth. Our nymphs burrow in the soil which increases aeration.Me: Did you say nymphs?C.K.: What purpose do you serve, David?Me: I listen to hearts and write stupid newsletters.C.K.: Funny. Looking at you, that’s exactly what I would’ve guessed.
Me: Where are you guys visiting when you’re in the states?C.K.: I knew you’d ask that. I brought you this map.Me: What are your thoughts on chocolate covered cicadas? (SFW, but gross)C.K.:<no answer> He just stares at me with 4 eyes, the 5th one is giving me the side eye.Me: Well, we can agree on that, can’t we King? A lot of our walkers have dogs. I’m struggling with how to phrase this…What if our dogs eat too many of your team?Now two of the 5 are giving me the side-eye.C.K: (Takes a big sigh). Looking away and under an adjacent picnic table, he mutters under his breath, A few won’t cause a problem, but…he trails off. Me: I’m sorry, King, I can’t…C.K.: DIARRHEA – the dog will get diarrhea. That’s it!He uses his cane to help push himself up from the picnic table. Look, Is this thing almost over? We have a 3:00 tour of Shake Shack. I hate to leave early as this has been such a reeeealllll pleasure.Me: King, that’s it. I really apprec…and he’s gone.
Dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, life is dynamite.